This is nothing new,

no, no, just another phase of finding what I really need.

I went to college as an intended Political Science/ Pre-Law major. And whenever anyone asked what I wanted to do with my life, I assured them that I have always wanted to be a lawyer. I'm not so sure anymore, and I've realized I never really was. I remember playing library as a child. It was really an intricate game, I made sure to slide, scan and stamp the books just like they did at real libraries then. Over time, I fancied myself destined for various vocations: librarian, actor, psychologist, writer, lawyer. But now that I'm actually at college, it has become clear that I actually have to decide soon. I'm an adult now. I'm at that pivotal point in my life where decisions actually need to be made. And I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my life. I envy those people who know exactly what they want to do, who have a passion that drives them. I have no such passion. When talking to my sister about this today, I expressed my fear that I will never find a singular career, or major to be passionate about. She told me that we're just not that kind of people. Our passions vary, we're passionate about whatever interests us at the time. I suppose that is a good quality to have, to be broadly passionate. But then what career could possibly keep up with my changing passions?

I know that in today's world going to college is a necessity. I love learning, acquiring new knowledge. But sometimes I feel like I'm one of the few, even in a collegiate setting. I am not a party person. I do not like big crowds, and I don't like that people rely on alcohol to have a good time. I like who I am, and I don't feel the need to alter it so others will like me. But if you don't party in college, it is hard to make friends. It isn't like high school, where a lot of the same people are in your classes. At least not for me, since I'm taking a variety of classes to explore, rather than specializing in one area of study. You don't even make friends in classes, since (at least at UWM) most people don't even want to be in class. They show up minutes before class, and leave as soon as the teacher finishes his/her last sentence. That leaves extracurriculars. I auditioned, and was cast in Oedipus Rex last semester. With rehearsals five nights a week, I was spending a lot of time with the same people. But they were all from the BFA program, and they were all already friends. They were nice to me, but I wasn't really one of them, and I was treated accordingly. I know that lots of people don't find their place their first year of college. But I am one of those people who doesn't like ambiguity, uncertainty. I like to have a plan. And just like everybody else, I want to feel like I belong.