You'll learn to hate me,

but you still call me baby.

i hate the hard nights.

& you can tell me that you're sorry,

but I don't believe you, baby, like I did before.

So don't bother,

i'll be fine, but she's waiting.

i haven't written a poem in forever. this is the result.

i was looking for

something fun,

light, easy; something

to burn quick and

fierce, yet not

leave me scorched.

and there you were,

sitting in my room.

i won’t deny

that i wanted to

be wanted,

that i wanted you

to want me.

being with you

was simple, comfortable,

and effortless, at least

at first.

i wanted to be

consumed by you,

to spend all day,

like i did all night:

laying on my futon,

discovering myself

in your arms.

i had been

dormant, hidden,

trapped inside.

you demolished my

barricades, and i was

flooded with the feeling of

being alive.

your lips against

mine, your hands roaming

my body, my skin

reawakening to your touch.

in that moment, i only

wanted infinity, for it to

never end.

but i didn’t just

yearn for your body,

i craved all of you.

you shared your secrets,

your fears of what

will come next, the past

that made you the

remarkable guy you

are today.

you told me i

could trust you,

and i did.

he left me with grueling

feelings of inadequacy,

i knew i would not be

enough for you to choose

to stay. and i heard the time

ticking itself away,

it wasn’t long before

you’d be gone

anyway.

i was scared of

what it meant to

want you like i did.

when you started to

place some distance between us,

i realize i only clung on

more tightly.

i should’ve let you go easily,

you were never mine

to keep.

the end was not fun,

simple, or light,

like the beginning.

it was messy, and you

(admittedly) handled it

with a lack of thought

or sensitivity.

i care about you to

a degree which

surprises me, and i will

support anything which

drags that lovely smile

across your face.

even when it means

that she gets you,

and i am left with

only scorch marks.

He lived his life,

now I'm gonna go live mine.

I am feeling much better. I have friends and family who love and support me. I don't need him; hell, I don't even want him anymore. This was all such a long time coming. I'm moving on!

This weekend I went to visit my grandparents in Indiana. It was a pretty good time. The weather was absolutely beautiful, so I spent a lot of time walking around. When my stepdad and I were walking back from dinner, we noticed a baby squirrel stuck on the roof. His mother had jumped onto the tree when she saw us, leaving the baby wondering what to do. We watched for an admittedly lengthy time as the baby wandered around, trying to figure out what to do. Eventually, it jumped up on the tree. It struggled trying to climb its way up the branch to the safety of the tree. Eventually, it succeeded. Its mother comforted it for a bit, then turned around, climbing down the branch to go to the roof again. The baby followed, then changed its mind and scurried back to the safety of the tree trunk. Obviously that day's lesson was on climbing the tree. I found it fascinating to see that lesson being taught. Nature is truly wonderful. I wanted to write the story down, so that I don't forget it.

& I don't know what to do,

caught between hating and loving you.

I am still extremely angry. He cheated on me after three years. He was supposed to love me. He was supposed to be faithful, and honest. Yes, I am still hurt, and I am still angry. But there are so many things I am going to miss. I figured that maybe if I listed them, if I just let it all out at once, I could let it go. We'll see.

I will miss the comfort. I will miss hearing someone say they love me. I will miss him holding me. I will miss always having someone to go places with. I will miss his smile. I will miss the way he opened his arms when he wanted me to come lay down. I will miss the way he covers his face when he tries to act cute. I will miss the random long hairs on his arms. I will miss tickling him. I will miss the nook. I will miss someone knowing that I'm not okay even when I say I am. I will miss having someone to cook me dinner. I will miss someone who already knew all of my secrets. I will miss having someone who knew exactly how to make me feel good. I will miss how he could always make me laugh. I will miss the random bump on his head. I will miss our words and phrases: seepy, ty ty, what you do? I will miss him randomly singing. I will miss his silly dancing. I will miss the way things used to be. I will miss him; I really, really will.

Comfortable as I am,

I need your reassurance .
Comfortable as you are,
You count the days.

But if I wanted silence, I would whisper
If I wanted loneliness, I'd choose to go
If I liked rejection, I'd audition
And if I didn't love you, you would know

So why can't you just hold me,
How come it's so hard?
Do you like to see me broken?
Why do I still care?

You say you see the light now
At the end of this narrow hall.
I wish it didn't matter,
I wish I didn't give you all.

But if I wanted silence, I would whisper
If I wanted loneliness, I'd choose to go
If I liked rejection, I'd audition
And if I didn't love you, you would know

So why can't you just hold me,
How come it's so hard?
Do you like to see me broken?
Why do I still care?

Poor little misunderstood baby.
No one likes a sad face,
But I can't remember life without him.
I think I did have good days,
I'm sure I did have good days.

This is nothing new,

no, no, just another phase of finding what I really need.

I went to college as an intended Political Science/ Pre-Law major. And whenever anyone asked what I wanted to do with my life, I assured them that I have always wanted to be a lawyer. I'm not so sure anymore, and I've realized I never really was. I remember playing library as a child. It was really an intricate game, I made sure to slide, scan and stamp the books just like they did at real libraries then. Over time, I fancied myself destined for various vocations: librarian, actor, psychologist, writer, lawyer. But now that I'm actually at college, it has become clear that I actually have to decide soon. I'm an adult now. I'm at that pivotal point in my life where decisions actually need to be made. And I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my life. I envy those people who know exactly what they want to do, who have a passion that drives them. I have no such passion. When talking to my sister about this today, I expressed my fear that I will never find a singular career, or major to be passionate about. She told me that we're just not that kind of people. Our passions vary, we're passionate about whatever interests us at the time. I suppose that is a good quality to have, to be broadly passionate. But then what career could possibly keep up with my changing passions?

I know that in today's world going to college is a necessity. I love learning, acquiring new knowledge. But sometimes I feel like I'm one of the few, even in a collegiate setting. I am not a party person. I do not like big crowds, and I don't like that people rely on alcohol to have a good time. I like who I am, and I don't feel the need to alter it so others will like me. But if you don't party in college, it is hard to make friends. It isn't like high school, where a lot of the same people are in your classes. At least not for me, since I'm taking a variety of classes to explore, rather than specializing in one area of study. You don't even make friends in classes, since (at least at UWM) most people don't even want to be in class. They show up minutes before class, and leave as soon as the teacher finishes his/her last sentence. That leaves extracurriculars. I auditioned, and was cast in Oedipus Rex last semester. With rehearsals five nights a week, I was spending a lot of time with the same people. But they were all from the BFA program, and they were all already friends. They were nice to me, but I wasn't really one of them, and I was treated accordingly. I know that lots of people don't find their place their first year of college. But I am one of those people who doesn't like ambiguity, uncertainty. I like to have a plan. And just like everybody else, I want to feel like I belong.

TV Shows

For some reason, I have been slightly addicted to television lately. Okay, okay, more than slightly. When I discover a TV show for the first time that I like, I tend to want to watch every single episode. My dad told me to check out Lie to Me, and I ended up watching the first seven episodes in one day. Now, I'm watching Bones from the beginning. I just finished watching season one, and am about to start season two. I really how it shows a strong female character whose beliefs and decisions are deeply laced with logic and reason. You don't really see much of that on television. I also find all the anthropological work on the show fascinating. I know that for television purposes it is probably exaggerated. But still, fascinating. It makes me reconsider taking an introductory course in anthropology. Maybe I will this summer.

Blog reincarnated, a fresh start.

I have not even visited this site in years. So, I deleted my old posts and decided to start anew.